Preface

This essay started several months ago and has evolved into something much longer than anticipated.  At the beginning of the current school year in my calling as an early-morning seminary teacher I had a philosophical disagreement with one of my directors over my less literal view of Old Testament teachings.  A friend of mine was very interested in this microcosm of a larger Mormon issue: the clash between fundamental cultural beliefs and a more nuanced understanding of life which has become more prevalent due to the information age in which we now live.  I have had a hard time separating that issue with my similar, but slightly distinct issues because one (overly fundamental dogmas) often leads to the other (faith issues on the journey of life).  In other words, because I can't separate my story from the broader issue here, this has become more of a memoir instead of the originally intended short essay. 

I wish to share what this has grown into to help three groups of people: those who struggle like I have in the past; those who don't struggle, but agree with my assessment (like my wife); and those who simply don't agree with me, but could benefit from understanding these struggles.  Disclaimer: those who are unaware of these issues might say that I'm obviously wrong because I'm telling the Church what to do and I'm not following the prescribed chain of command.  This is an incorrect assessment for two reasons.  First off, I'm not telling the Church how to do things.  I'm pointing out how the culture and members are doing things that push out a certain group of members.  Secondly, President Monson has even said that correcting this issue is his signature initiative[1].


BTW, ignore the links to cross references.  They numbers correlate to the CR's at the end of the essay, but they don't link.

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Part 1 - I want to share my crisis of faith story

For several years I have felt a desire to write down a detailed explanation of my crisis of faith story to share with others who similarly struggle.  In 2007 I even started a FAIR wiki page on the subject[2] Crisis of Faith Reconciliation.  A few people who know me well have asked me to share my experience publicly, but it's frightening to put myself out there with the end result being that culturally fundamental Mormons will now see me as different from them in a significant way.  When I say fundamental, I don't mean people of the FLDS church, but Latter-day Saints that are caught up in what I see as an overly fundamental culture.  Most of the members that I know are culturally fundamental.  I had additional hesitation in doing this because everything I want to say has already been stated elsewhere[3].  For a while I gave in more to my fears than my desire to share.  Recently, I had some experiences where I saw several others[4] in this same situation and I realized that I have to get my story out.  Not for myself alone, but for the many other people[5] that are having the same struggles as I am.  These struggles bring severe, constant and unnecessary heartache.  Pain you can't really understand without going through it yourself or with a loved one.

 

Because of that heartache I don't like to think about this overall issue more than I have to. Life is much easier when I don't, when the metaphorical elephant is in the room, but I can keep it out of the conversation.  Unfortunately, this elephant is potentially the most important elephant in my entire existence.  Because the Mormon lifestyle is so all-encompassing, I bump into this elephant in almost everything I do.  Because this elephant has such eternal importance, talking about it will quickly bring up strong emotions in those with whom I engage, often making the discussion painful for all and ultimately unfruitful.  Hopefully by sharing my story this ubiquitous elephant will not only hurt me less, but also others whom I care about that are similarly suffering.

What is this damage-causing elephant and how did it come to be?  I’ll explain it in more detail later, but basically this elephant is the result of a traditional Mormon going through an existential crisis of faith.  I purposefully combine existential with faith into one term because for most Mormons, when you go through a crisis of faith, you lose faith in everything!  Modern Mormonism sets us up for this, because it too often involves an “all or nothing[6]” view of people, groups, institutions and ideas.  Culturally, people tend to assume the prophets and apostles are like spiritual fax machines, getting their directions word for word directly from the divine, despite their statements to the contrary[7].  It's either all good or all bad. The Mormon belief system creates a logical understanding of existence which sets up a situation where if this church isn’t true (which logically is the most likely to be true), then what church could be?  Further progression down that logical path leads to the thought that maybe God isn’t real either.  Suddenly, that reassuring confidence that you had the ultimate truth collapses and you are left alone, cold and philosophically naked.  Just being in that soul searching place is scary, but the shock of suddenly being dropped there from a place of such confidence can be soul-racking because of the stark contrast. 

If you are going through this crisis of faith yourself it is important to understand few things.  First off, you are not alone.  Having opened up about this over the past couple of years has made several other people feel comfortable discussing their similar doubts with me.  Second, you are not less worthy or faithful because you haven’t had a spiritual confirmation strong enough to make you feel comfortable saying, “I KNOW this church is true[8].”  Our own scripture even confirms this, “To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God...To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful”[9] (I'll refer to this second group as D&C 46'ers).  In other words, the Savior is telling us that some WON'T initially (if ever) be given an experience that will make them KNOW.  Don’t let others make you feel guilty for being a D&C 46'er, even though you have probably been trying very hard your entire life to have an experience that would allow you to say “I know!”  Like most things in life, this is not a binary problem, but a continuum.  Furthermore, having a metaphysical experience that allows you to say you KNOW God exists, doesn't mean you know every teaching to be true or God's will.

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Part 2 - How did I get a crisis of faith?

How did I get there?  I’ve learned from discussing this with others in the same situation that, like many others, I arrived at my crisis of faith by being almost "too" Mormon.  Unlike most others, I didn't get there from learning how the traditional narrative differs from the actual one as many now do because of the easy access to information that the internet affords us.  I came to this crisis of faith while doing my best to live up to all the things that are expected of a stereotypical, upstanding Latter-day Saint.  I am a descendent of Heber C. Kimball and Orson Pratt.  I passed through all the traditional milestones: Eagle Scout, various leadership positions, mission to Argentina, married in the Seattle temple, went to BYU then to graduate school to "achieve as much education as possible"[10], had four kids, taught early morning seminary, etc.  Part of the reason I want to write this is so that others who know me well can see that someone who isn't addicted to porn, looking to hook up with other women or break the word of wisdom is the type of person who can be in this situation despite all the popular stereotyping that goes on.  As with most Mormons, everything I do in my life is touched by the Church in one way or another.  Both before and during this crisis of faith I gave everything I had to being the best Mormon I could be.  I made sure to live worthily enough to obtain that undeniable experience.  While working toward that goal on my mission came the start of my faith crisis.

As I stated above, I served a mission in Argentina.  To be candid, I was an incredibly hard working missionary.  I never slept in, I never delayed at members' houses, never watched television, etc.  I worked very hard to obey every commandment every day for the whole two years.  At the end of a mission in Argentina you fly home through Buenos Aires and get to attend a temple session.  Still having never had this undeniable experience that others talk about, I looked forward all mission long to the day when I would put my sacrifice “on the altar" as I went through the temple.  I knew; not hoped for or had faith in, but I knew that this would be a great spiritual experience.  According to my logic, I was guaranteed to get what I sought for because I had completely dedicated two years of my life, equal to or greater than any other missionary I knew.  I couldn't wait to go to the temple.

After getting an extension to serve an extra couple of weeks I was on my way to the temple.  To my complete shock and surprise, not only was the session not the spiritually affirming experience that I expected, but I didn't even feel the spirit very much at all.  I felt like I had a spiritual rug pulled out from under my feet.  I was left completely dumbfounded.  I didn't even know what to do as I left the temple.  After helping people develop a belief in God and the Mormon Church, suddenly I acquired a doubt in both of them.  But even though I was deeply changed, I still had much more faith than doubt.  The surreal experience of returning to the world as a regular member, and leaving behind the life of a full-time missionary helped me put these doubts on the shelf.

The next phase of my crisis started one day when I felt inspired to consider dentistry as a future job instead of engineering as I had wanted to do since I was a little kid.  Along the way to earning my BS in biology I learned from my faithful BYU biology professors about the undeniable facts of evolution[11].  I contrasted this new understanding with the traditional Mormon narrative that I grew up with and the doubts started falling off the shelf into my lap again.  I also learned in detail the chemical processes that create emotions and feelings in us.  I realized that feelings which had been explained to me as manifestations of the spirit were often also feelings felt in situations that had nothing to with the Church, or Christ.  I now understood the processes involved in my brain to release chemicals to make one feel love, joy and peace[12] among other positive feelings.  I began to wonder how to tell the difference between the spirit and these good emotions.  The guidance of the spirit that had been my Liahona since youth suddenly wasn't trustworthy anymore.  I know this isn't a problem for most people, but combined with my existing doubts, I couldn't avoid the possibility that this all could be biological instead of spiritual, having never received an experience that was undeniably from the spirit and not my body.  Again, all my doubts about the Church and God resurfaced, but even stronger than ever before.  I felt similar fears to how I did once as a kid when I got lost walking down a trail in the forest all by myself with no way to contact anyone.

I read an article about Mother Teresa that gives me comfort considering my situation and further proves my point, especially if you don't know me.  If you know of Mother Teresa, I think you will agree that she should have been worthy of some spiritual affirmation telling her that what she was doing was God's will.  Despite all her amazing sacrifice, having lived the second great commandment[13] better than most others, she experienced a dark night of the soul saying, "As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear[14]."  Isn't it surprising that after doing so much good, she always felt that she lacked a witness or closeness to God.

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